Very Punny

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Lines – to make you smile!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t .

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4.. Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .

6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .

8.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

9.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

10.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it.

15.. Procrastinate Now!

16.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

17.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

18..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .

19.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

20.. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

21.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

GED examination

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on.
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections.
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope).
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true).
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant).
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e. g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium , the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (RIGHT!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work).
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome. (Probably close to the Vatican)
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant).

TOP TEN Caddy Replies

# 10.

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “I don’t think you can keep your head down that long.”

# 9.

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

# 8.

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

# 7.

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

# 6.

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

# 5.

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of
a distraction.”
Caddy: “It ‘s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

# 4.

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

# 3.

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

# 2.

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

……and the #1 best caddy comment is (drum roll):


Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off

What is Politics


Just a few small digs, all patently true, ….

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes

from the poor and campaign funds from the rich,

by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Am ringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal:

“if they stop telling lies about me,

I will stop telling the truth about them”.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down

your life for his country.

~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious

a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city,

it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.

~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over.

They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM;

I’m beginning to believe it.

~Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who,

when they see light at the end of the tunnel,

go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton, American actor/writer

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?

That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown?

That is a solution ….!!!

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing; start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy – Larry the Cable Guy says…

A day without sunshine is like night

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound.. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates . . . it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
 -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers
 – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi
 – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law
 – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath
 – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
 -The probability of meeting someone you know   increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
 – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – 
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena 
– At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law 
– As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers 
– If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces
 – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument
 – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
 – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking
 – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
 – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law
 – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.